I have been wanting to get back to long-form writing for quite some time. And, as we bring 2023 to a close, I wanted to start with an update on life and business but first, wanted to thank everyone who has stuck around with me through this journey- friends, clients, family, virtual pals- THANK YOU! I hope you will stick around for more tales of successes, failures and foibles as I make my way through this one crazy life. xoxo

About 15 years ago, give or take, I lived a very different life. I was very extreme and restrictive and, frankly, mean to myself if I messed up. Lots of perfectionism and little compassion. 

Is it just me or have you ever noticed how life behaves exactly like a pendulum, swinging all the way this way and all the way that way before settling down toward the middle?

That is how things happen for me. I usually have to try both extremes (I use that term lightly now) before I find my way to the softer and sometimes messy middle. 

Take my business, for example. I started Engage in my tiny rental home, during the pandemic with just a few clients to speak of. I had big dreams. I wanted to make a big difference for people… a lot of people. I pictured building something big- a big space, a big community, a big reputation- and I wanted to build it from the ground up, all by myself… to prove I was big?

Today, and only in the last few months, things have happened in my life… well rewind… things have happened in the last decade of my life that have led to things that have happened in the last few months, but I digress… in the last few months, I have learned that I was moving too fast, at a pace that was suggested from externally, not within myself (I haven’t been super in touch with my real, true inner self in the past several years enough to really hear her). I was building something big but, I am finding, it was empty. I was growing this shell of a business- building systems, figuring out marketing strategies, becoming an HR person for my single W2 employee, stepping away from client care to “work on the business vs in the business” as many coaches, authors, biz-guru-types would have you believe you need to do well before you or your business is ready. But it was just that, a shell. And, y’all, I’m starting to think “If you build it, they will come,” has a tinge of BS 💩 to it! 

Maybe it should be “if you focus on the work that matters, care deeply and build solid relationships, they will come… or the ones that matter will!”

I doesn’t really roll off the tongue, but I like it. 

All this is to say, my pendulum has swung back in my business and here I am, a solopreneur again, the only PT/strength-trainer/employee at Engage and, while this could have been a huge blow to my ego, it wasn’t. It has been so freeing and a blessing to focus again on building relationships, working with and helping clients. Swinging back from the goal of making a large impact on many (hi, social media pressure) to making a deep impact on a few has trickled into other areas of my life and made it feel simpler and has made me feel calmer. 

Personally, and going back to my original point, over a decade ago I lived my life in extremes- restrictive dieting, punitive exercise, needing to be as thin as possible, “cheat days” 😑, etc. 

For the past decade, after all of that punishment, my pendulum swung hardcore the other way. I was listening and being kind to my body, which is wonderful… but I was also using that as an excuse to behave in ways that were still not so healthy, “treating” myself to the point of numbing and doing even more of that when I felt bad from doing it before, “allowing” myself too often to skip exercise and calling it “listening to my body.” I swung so far in the other direction that I ended up still not aligned with my true values (again, I couldn’t hear my true self screaming, because my rebel teenager was screaming louder 😏). 

Fast forward to today (and lemme be the first to tell you I have not “arrived,” but am only just getting started, like infant stages) and I am finding that softer, sometimes messier middle. I am doing self-work (that involves spiritual practices) around finding my enoughness despite my successes or failures, on suiting up and showing up for myself and others with love and kindness instead of punishment or perfectionism, and I am working on placing expectations on my behaviors vs the outcomes. 

Again, I have not arrived… will I ever? I am sure that the answer is no. But do I feel so much calmer, happier, and more aligned with my true values? Absolutely! And most of all, here and there, I’m starting to hear my true self.  

With so much love, xoxo, 

Natasha